


Calm Before The Storm

by DGCatAniSiri



Series: Hurricane [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2018-02-05 20:35:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1831372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan was blindsided by Shepard's sudden reappearance on Horizon. He wants some answers, and there's one person he can go to in order to get them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Calm Before The Storm

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written pre-Mass Effect 3, so obviously not canon compliant, beyond the fact that male Shepard can't romance Kaidan in the first game. But it really bothers me that, in canon, something like this didn't actually happen.
> 
> Set in the same universe as [Cascade.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1828263)

Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko had spent the trip back to the Citadel from his debriefing and medical exams over Horizon and Councilor Anderson’s office stewing in anger. After being cleared by the medical doctors, declaring him physically fit after being hit by the Collectors’ stasis field and the shrinks, saying that there were no more symptoms of PTSD than they’d expect from someone who’d gone through what Kaidan had, he’d demanded a shuttle take him to the one man who would play straight with him. He’d been blind-sided by the appearance of Shepard on Horizon, and the revelation that his former CO and lover was now working with Cerberus, the same organization who had arranged the deaths of his unit on Akuze and the murder of Admiral Kahoku. Kaidan wanted answers. 

He stormed into the human embassy where Councilor Anderson was speaking with Udina. Udina saw him and scowled. “Lieutenant Alenko, you cannot-”

“Get out.” Kaidan bit off the words, though his voice stayed level. Anyone who knew him knew that for him, it was the equivalent of a snarl. 

Udina, though, didn’t know him and didn’t care to. He just got red in the face and seemed to puff himself up, like a small animal trying to make itself seem larger to seem more intimidating. With Udina, though, it only made him look like the blustering politician he was. “Lieutenant, you cannot walk in here and make demands of-”

Kaidan glared at Udina. “Mr. Adviser... Get. Out.”

Udina looked about to bluster out an angry response, but Councilor Anderson cleared his throat. “You heard the Lieutenant, Donnel. Give us some privacy, please,” he said. Udina turned to Anderson in surprise, but, this being a direct order from his superior, he did as requested. He shot Kaidan a glare as he departed however. Anderson looked out to the Presidium. “He’s good with paperwork, but that’s about the only reason that I keep him on.”

“Councilor, what the hell is going on here?” Kaidan demanded. 

Anderson moved away from the balcony and to his desk. He opened a drawer and pulled something out of it. “I’m assuming you’re here because of Commander Shepard, wanting to know why I didn’t tell you about his return. The fact is, Lieutenant, I didn’t get confirmation of his survival until after you’d departed for Horizon, when the communications blackout went into place.” Anderson handed Kaidan what he had pulled from his desk, which turned out to be a letter. “This is for you. Shepard wanted you to have it.”

That made Kaidan pause for a moment. He thought about how they’d left things at Horizon. He hadn’t taken Shepard’s return from the dead well. Not that there was exactly a good way, but still. Truly, ‘not well’ was an understatement about his reaction. Shepard had tried to talk to him, to explain, but the minute the word ‘Cerberus’ had come up, Kaidan had lost it. He’d been with Shepard every time they’d encountered one of the group’s experiments, from the husks to the creepers to the rachni, and all of them had been variations on disasters. And massacres. And that didn’t even begin to touch the death of Shepard’s squad back on Akuze. He had seen the pain in Shepard’s eyes when they’d found Corporal Toombs out on Ontarom, how desperately he had tried to save him, even the look on his face, the mix of sadness and resignation when Toombs had shot himself. He knew Shepard, and knew that he wasn’t about to align himself with their motives, but between his surprise at seeing Shepard ALIVE and hearing the word ‘Cerberus’ used in the same breath without a string of epitaphs following hadn’t brought about his finest moments.

Anderson moved to the door. “I’ll give you a few minutes alone. I’ll be down at the Flux when you’re done, Lieutenant.” 

Kaidan barely noticed Anderson’s departure. He just stared at the letter in his hands, a paper envelope holding a paper with handwritten words on it. No one used paper to write letters anymore. It was all done through e- and vid-mail. Emotions swirled inside him about what he should do. Should he read it and find out what Shepard wanted to tell him? Would it have the answers that Kaidan hadn’t been willing to listen to on Horizon? 

Was it Shepard’s Dear John letter? Kaidan knew his words on Horizon had certainly sounded like he wasn’t looking to take Shepard back, but he still loved Shepard. He really did. It had just been such a shock to see him alive and walking around. After all, he’d seen the Normandy be carved up like a roast. Joker had spoken of seeing Shepard’s body float out into the black. It had been two years and he had only had a single date since then, recently, and under a lot of coercion from the other guys he’d been working with lately, men who hadn’t known just how close he was to the now-no-longer late Commander. 

There was only one way to know for sure, he supposed. With a feeling of trepidation, he opened the letter.

_Kaidan._

_I know we left things on Horizon on a bad note. There was so much I wanted to say to you, and everything just came out wrong. I don’t blame you for not coming with me. Hell, I probably would have done the same in your place. But I still needed to explain to you what I’m doing, why I’m working with Cerberus, why... everything. I need you to understand why I’m doing everything._

_Kaidan, I died that day. When the Normandy died, so did I. But Cerberus wasn’t going to let me stay dead. They claim that I’m a symbol that the Reapers will respect or fear. I like to think that I’m not that indispensable to the fight. One man should never be that important._

A smile came to Kaidan’s face. That was John Shepard in a nutshell – he was unimportant, the mission came first. Every time. He knew that each time they stepped on the field could be their last, and that no army or civilization or anything should depend on one person for everything. 

_Regardless of their motives, though, they did bring me back. I’ve been assured that there was no control chip or dead man’s trigger or something put in me to make me their puppet. I’d like to believe that, that having me as I was before the attack on the Normandy was more important to Cerberus than having me be their mouthpiece and lackey, but I don’t know for sure._

_Cerberus brought me back to fight the Collectors, the invaders who attacked the colony on Horizon. I probably said this there, but they’re servants of the Reapers._

Kaidan hadn’t been surprised by that revelation when Shepard had told him it on Horizon. He remembered the Council’s promise to support Shepard, and how quickly they’d turned around and whitewashed everything in relation to Sovereign and the Reapers, blaming it all on the geth. He would have understood it if they’d just called it that publically while loading for bear behind the scenes, but there were no indications that the Council had moved to make any additions to their fleets beyond rebuilding the losses of Sovereign’s attack. The geth had been pushed back behind the Perseus Veil, and as far as the Council was concerned now, that was the end of it. Of course the Reapers would have their agents working on finding a way to keep at their plans, and they could do so with impunity with the Council burying their heads in the sand.

_The Collectors have been attacking human colonies out on the edge of our territories, where the Council won’t bother sending ships. Using Cerberus’s resources is the only option I can see to do anything about the Collector attacks. I don’t like it. These bastards are still responsible for Akuze. That alone would be unforgivable, even putting aside all the other crap we found their fingerprints all over two years ago._

_It’s hard to believe that two years have gone by. If there had been any way, Kaidan, I swear to you, I would have let you know. I tried contacting Councilor Anderson as soon as I could, but you were in a communications blackout. I was dead for two years, Kaidan, I couldn’t get in touch with you then. I would have, I swear._

Reading that was a relief to see in writing, a relief that Kaidan hadn’t realized he’d been wanting to experience. He’d seen Shepard on Horizon and had had some kind of irrational belief that Shepard had gone to ground, joined Cerberus, and forgotten about him. It hadn’t made sense, but it hadn’t needed to in Kaidan’s mind. He’d just... reacted. And badly at that.

_You’re probably wondering about the actual paper letter I asked Councilor Anderson to give you. I know better than to trust Cerberus. In between the memories of Sovereign and remembering dying, I still have nightmares about Akuze. I remember the faces of every person who died under my command. I haven’t started to trust Cerberus and I wanted YOU to be the only person who read this. I have one of their operatives monitoring everything that comes in or out of the ship, including the reports I’ve tried to file for the brass at the Alliance. I didn’t want her reading it._

_I can understand if you never want to hear from me again. Truth to tell, I probably would in your position. But I needed to tell you this, explain myself better than I did on Horizon. Our strike against the Collectors is going to take us through the Omega 4 Relay. All the information I’ve gotten about it says that it’s a one way trip. Then again, we’ve already gone inside a derelict Reaper and walked away, so maybe our odds are better than most. That reminds me that you should speak with Councilor Anderson and let him know about it. Its mass effect core had to be taken out for our escape, which means it’s probably been crushed by the planet core of Mnemosyne, out in the Hawking Eta cluster, but there might be some debris to collect out there, if Cerberus hasn’t already cleared the site out._

Leave it to Shepard to sidestep the talk about him possibly getting killed by going back to business and try to slip him some intelligence. Kaidan’s amazement over him surviving that warred with his instinct to charter a ship and make for Omega immediately, despite how by now, Shepard had to have traveled through the relay. No one had a way through there, excluding, apparently, Shepard. Logically, he knew that he probably couldn’t even contribute anything to the mission that Shepard had already gathered (Shepard had to have been a boy scout the way that he made to over prepare for everything), but he still wanted to be there.

The question for him was... Was Shepard still in love with him? It seemed like it, but... The words themselves hadn’t been said, and on paper words were all you had. He had a little bit of the letter left to read.

_Kaidan, I don’t know if I’m going to come back from this. I hope I will, but... Let’s just say I’ve had hopes before and they’ve been dashed. Something tells me that when this is over, it’ll probably be best for me to lie low for a while, try and keep my head down. I don’t know what I’m going to do specifically, probably try to rebuild my good name. The Reapers are still coming, and they’re not going to just wait for us to be able to put up a fight with them._

_Professionally, that’s what I’m asking here, Kaidan. I hope I still have your support in fighting them. Every port, right? Personally, though? I’m hoping that... We still have a place together. That when I need help, I can turn to you. I know that you don’t have a return address for me, but sooner or later, the Alliance will call on me. I figure it’s inevitable. I hope you’ll keep your ear to the ground, listen for when it happens and... at least talk to me then._

_I still love you, Kaidan._

_John._

***

It was a good hour after Anderson had left the Staff Commander in his office that Kaidan met him at Flux. 

“Everything under control, Commander?” Anderson asked as Kaidan sat down.

“Yes, sir. Councilor,” Kaidan amended. His emotions were perfectly in check at this point. Anderson, who had been well aware of the relationship between Shepard and Alenko, was willing to leave it at that, at least as far as the personal aspect came in to play. 

Unfortunately, there was a professional side to deal with. “Commander, are your feelings for Commander Shepard under control?”

Kaidan nodded. “Yes, Councilor. My feelings are under control and not going to interfere with my duties.” The news in that letter must have been good though. Anderson would accept the Commander’s words.

“All right then. Commander, we’re in an awkward position. Both the Council and the Alliance are getting to where they can’t deny that Shepard’s alive and connected with Cerberus operations. The Alliance doesn’t like that at all.”

“Understandable. Cerberus is a terrorist organization.” Then Kaidan dropped the stolid soldier act. “You don’t believe that he’s betrayed his oath, do you?”

Anderson shook his head. “I know Shepard. I also know the bureaucrats of both the Alliance and the Citadel. They hear about vanishing colonies, their first reaction is to blame batarian slavers or some other hazard out in the Traverse. It was a tooth and nail fight just to get the Horizon project approved. Shepard has been utilizing Cerberus’ resources because he has no other choice if he wants to get things done.” That had been a bone of contention for Anderson since he’d become a member of the Council, that they were still so willing to leave humanity out to dry while telling them that they needed to be a greater part of the galactic community. “Shepard has my complete faith. Unfortunately, Council seat or not, I’m still just one voice, easily shouted down in the midst of Councilor Velarn’s attempts to make things into one big pissing match.”

Kaidan shifted, sharing the opinion of both Commander Shepard and Anderson that the turian councilor could use a solid punch in the jaw. “So what are you thinking?”

Anderson leaned forward, almost conspiratorially, giving the both of them memories of two years ago in the same bar, making their plan for the Normandy’s freedom flight. “The Alliance isn’t happy to hear about humanity’s only representation in the Spectres has seemingly gone rogue. Shepard has the Council’s approval, but the Alliance wants something more solid. They want another human Spectre, one whose loyalty isn’t in question.”

It took a moment for what Anderson was implying to get through to him. “Me?”

“Alliance command left it to my discretion, and I intend to put your name forward. I believe that your ties to Shepard during things with Saren and the geth and your rather public disapproval of his ties to Cerberus will make you the Alliance’s new golden boy.”

“I don’t want to be a political plaything.” Kaidan normally kept his opinions to himself, but he had always agreed with Ashley Williams’ statements of hating politics.

Anderson shook his head. “I don’t like making you into one either, Commander, but it puts you in a better position. The Reapers are still coming. Humanity needs someone to rally around. The Alliance may not want it to be Shepard, but I’d wager that they’ll accept it from you. And Shepard still considers you part of his crew, doesn’t he?”

“Absolutely, Councilor.”

“I know politicking is a dirty business. But if we want to stand a chance against the Reapers, we have to game the system. And that means stacking the deck as much as possible. Shepard will probably be our trump card, but we’re still going to need you in play.”

It was a rock and a hard place. There weren’t a lot of options available to him. Which left Kaidan with only one option. “You do this councilor, with one condition. The Alliance will probably want Shepard brought in at some point, even if it’s just a debriefing of what he’s learned of Cerberus’ activities. I want that assignment.”

“I wouldn’t dream of assigning anyone else, Commander.”


End file.
